


We ain’t kids no more

by tazernkaner



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 18:16:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17627234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tazernkaner/pseuds/tazernkaner
Summary: Patrick’s eyes slide over to Jonny, watching his reaction carefully as he says the words. He doesn’t want to hurt the guy or anything, that’s all.Jonny surprises him by smiling in return. “That’s awesome, Kaner. Can’t wait to meet her.”Patrick jumps back a little bit like he’s been slapped in the face. Wait...what?Or: Patrick gets a girlfriend and then spends too much time worrying about the fact that Jonny isn’t upset about it.





	We ain’t kids no more

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Send My Love by Adele and somehow this came of it. Featuring idiots who miscommunicate because apparently that is all I ever write about.

It had been a long time since Patrick had what you would call a “serious girlfriend.” 

 

The last one would have been when he was playing in London, before ever coming to Chicago. They’d broken up right after the draft, much to her disappointment. But Patrick finally had everything he had worked his entire life for and he was young. Not to mention soon to be famous. So he enjoyed it.

 

He enjoyed it for a while, a steady pattern of getting drunk, meeting different girls in different cities - but nothing that would ever go anywhere. 

 

But he was nearing twenty three now, and if he were being honest with himself, that scene was starting to get boring. Then he’d met Angie - she was a dancer, and she was hot - with long black hair, a tiny waist, and a mischievous smile that kept Patrick’s interest. So he’d asked her out on a date. Then another date, and another, until it had been a couple months. Instead of chatting with girls in bars during road trips, he was texting her. When he was home, she’d started spending the night. 

 

They kind of became a thing without Patrick even realizing it, but he wasn’t upset about it either. It was nice, having a girlfriend again. 

 

She’d been starting in on him to meet his friends and family - and well, in Chicago the team were both his friends  _ and _ family. So it made sense to just introduce her to the team. And Christmas was around the corner, their annual party would be happening soon. The one that was always planned by the wives or girlfriends. It was all just falling into place. Except- 

 

He had to tell the guys, then. Which meant he’d have to tell Jonny. 

 

Patrick hadn’t had a serious  _ girlfriend _ since leaving London... but there was that four months at the end of their second year that Patrick had exclusively been with Jonny. Even if they hadn’t like, defined it as anything, Patrick had stopped sleeping with anyone else and he knew Jonny had too. 

 

To his knowledge, Jonny hadn’t had anything serious since then either. So he was just a bit wary telling Jonny - because even if it were two years ago... it had meant something to Patrick at the time and he knew it had meant something to Jonny, too. 

 

And no matter what, Jonny was his very best friend and he didn’t want anything to come between them. 

 

Maybe it would have been best to tell Jonny alone but Patrick has always been a bit of a coward when it comes to things like that so he breaks the news, as casually as he can, one evening when he’s having supper with a group of his teammates. 

 

“So I’ve been seeing someone,” is what he says, spearing a piece of steak with his fork and slowly bringing it to his mouth. “For a while, actually. It’s kind of serious...” 

 

All eyes are on him now, which makes him a bit nervous, which thus makes him ramble. “She wants to meet you guys...” 

 

Duncs is the first to say anything. “Someone actually wants you to be their  _ boyfriend _ ?” He asks, unfairly incredulous. 

 

He ignores Duncs, because he’s an asshole, and also because Patrick is more concerned with how Jonny is going to react. 

 

His eyes slide nervously in Jonny’s direction. Patrick studies him carefully, looking for any sign of a reaction. He just doesn’t want to hurt the guy, that’s all. 

 

Jonny catches his eye and surprises him by smiling in return. “That’s awesome Kaner, can’t wait to meet her.” 

 

Patrick straightens up at that, an involuntary frown taking over his face. Wait,  _ what?  _

 

That was  _ it?  _

 

Patrick keeps studying him, looking for any sign of a reaction - but he just looks genuinely content for Patrick. 

 

There isn’t anymore time for him to dwell on it right then though because the guys all start chirping him and he’s got to defend himself against them. 

 

He can’t stop thinking about it later that night though. As he lays in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, he keeps replaying the way Jonny had smiled sweetly at him, completely unaffected. 

 

And that should be  _ great, _ obviously. It wasn’t like he wanted his best friend to be upset or anything... 

 

He just wanted to believe that he’d meant something to Jonny back then. 

 

*** 

 

He decides to put it out of his mind. Things are good. Great, even. 

 

Patrick has a kick-ass girlfriend who he actually really likes, and for once he’s satisfied with staying in with her instead of going out. He misses her when he’s on the road. He’s developing what his mom would probably call a healthy adult relationship. 

 

And Jonny is his best friend, and nothing had changed between them like he had been worried about. In fact, Jonny doesn’t even bring her up again. It’s like he had forgotten all about it. 

 

Patrick should forget about it too then. But he can’t.

 

“Angie is coming to the game tonight,” Patrick tells Jonny as they’re walking out of the UC together. 

 

Jonny’s brows furrow for a quick second and Patrick thinks  _ there we go _ . But the expression is replaced with understanding quickly. “Oh, your girlfriend?” He asks, smiling again. “She’ll have to stop by the change room after to meet everyone,” he says then frowns. “I mean... if we win.” 

 

“We’re going to win,” Patrick says offhandedly. Then he stops walking and blurts “so you’re really okay with this? Like, if I bring her around to Hawks stuff that won’t... bother you?” 

 

Jonny arches an eyebrow at him. It’s a look that has always managed to make Patrick feel dumb. And a little jealous, too, that he could never seem to pull that face off. 

 

“Should it bother me?” He asks, sounding genuinely confused. 

 

Patrick feels his face heat up. Does Jonny not even remember the fact that they used to  _ date _ ? Like, not even that long ago! Why is he acting like he doesn’t give a fuck now? 

 

“Of course not!” Patrick gushes. “This is great then. You’re not bothered, I’m not bothered. Everything is great.” 

 

Jonny squints harder. “Why would you be bothered? She’s  _ your  _ girlfriend.” 

 

“The word  _ bother _ is starting to sound weird, huh?” Patrick says, hating himself as the words fall from his mouth. What is  _ wrong  _ with him? “No one's bothered is the point. We can be mature about this. Maybe even go on a double date sometime!” 

 

Jonny stares at him intently for a moment. It’s a look that Patrick is used too - ever since they were young, Jonny would do this thing where he just  _ looked  _ at Patrick. No where else - focus fully on him. Sometimes it felt like Patrick was the only person in the world to Jonny, in those moments. At first, it had made his skin crawl. He always had to look away, too uncomfortable. Over time, though, Patrick had begun to associate that look with something else, and even now - with all the time that has passed, Patrick still feels heat pooling in the pit of his stomach at that look. 

 

Patrick had begun to associate that look with Jonny wanting him. 

 

But... Clearly, it couldn’t mean that now, when Jonny wasn’t even phased by him having a serious girlfriend. 

 

Patrick breaks the eye contact first, of course. He looks down at his shoe, scuffs it against the tiled floor. 

 

“I’m not seeing anyone,” Jonny says with a shrug. “So, probably going to have to pass on that double date.” 

 

The relief Patrick feels doesn’t make any sense - he’s in a serious relationship. It shouldn’t matter if Jonny is seeing anyone. It  _ doesn’t  _ matter. To prove it to himself, he says: “maybe Angie could set you up with a friend, then? She’s a dancer so she knows lots of hot chicks.” 

 

“Patrick.” Jonny looks a little helpless like he’s lost his footing for the first time in this conversation. Maybe, finally, he’s a little phased. “I’m not seeing any girls, anymore.” 

 

“Oh,” Patrick breathes. “ _ Oh.”  _ He repeats, more heavily. 

 

He’d always told himself that it was just Jonny. Something about the two of them worked, despite the fact that Patrick had never looked at another guy before. 

 

It was bullshit - and Patrick knew it. Even if he wasn’t comfortable putting a label on it, he was attracted to women, but also men. 

 

Jonny was clearly done with the bullshit. His gaze remained level on Patrick’s as he says “I’m gay.” 

 

He doesn’t know how to respond, so he just nods. Is it technically a coming out, if the guy you’re telling has fucked you? Patrick doesn’t know. What he does know, is Jonny has never used that word to describe himself, not to Patrick, and he doubts to anyone, ever. So he should be supportive as if it  _ were _ a coming out. 

 

“That’s, awesome, Jonny. I’m proud of you.” 

 

Jonny’s eyes narrow, and he’s probably wondering the same things as Patrick - does this qualify as his first coming out? But his lips turn up into a little smile anyway. 

 

“We aren’t kids anymore, Kaner. Whatever happened between us back then, it was good. But it’s in the past. I’m happy for you.” He smiled sincerely at Patrick - and honestly, how could he even ask for a better bestfriend than Jonny? He should be so relieved to know this wasn’t going to affect them. 

 

Instead he has to plaster a fake smile on his face and nod tightly. 

 

*** 

 

They win in overtime, the final goal scored by Patrick off a beautiful pass from Jonny. 

 

Jonny slams him into the boards, wrapping him tightly in his arms and screaming “that’s it baby,” in his ear. 

 

Patrick stares back at him and Jonny grins and for a second it feels like it’s only the two of them - like the 20,000 screaming fans all disappeared. 

 

“You’re the fucking best,” Jonny tells him and fuck, Patrick has been hearing that all his life but it never means as much coming from anyone else. Patrick’s heart is hammering in his chest, adrenaline still running high from that moment. 

 

The rest of their teammates pile in seconds later, and then they’re all celebrating in a small pile up. Patrick gets pushed against Jonny, no longer able to see his face. 

 

They all part ways a second later, skating around the rink with their sticks raised. On the Jumbotron, it shows the wives and girlfriends section, and Patrick stops short as he sees Angie there, proudly pointing at the eighty eighty on her sleeve and screaming. 

 

He catches Jonny looking up at the screen, and the expression on his face is unreadable - try as Patrick might. He looks over then, catching Patrick’s eye and nods with an appreciative expression, mouthing “nice work” and winking before skating off towards the bench. 

 

After the game, Angie ends up coming down to the locker room with Dayna and Abby. She smiles brightly at Patrick as he slinks his arm around her waist. He doesn’t mean to do it but his eyes find Jonny immediately after, and Jonny is looking over at them but he smiles automatically when he sees Patrick looking back then goes back to flicking his things into his bag. 

 

They all go out to celebrate the win, and the guys all love Angie. Of course they do - she’s hilarious and witty and can drink half of them under the table, all things hockey players appreciate greatly in a person. 

 

He waits for the sense of relief to come at the fact that the people in his life have so easily accepted his girlfriend. It doesn’t come, and he hates to admit that it’s because he’s too busy wondering what Jonny thinks of her. He can’t help but be super aware of Jonny all night, seeking him out after Angie slides in the booth next to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek and leaning in and giggling in his ear. 

 

Jonny raises an eyebrow when Patrick catches his eye. Patrick looks away quickly, forcing his focus back on Angie as she touches his arm, fingers tracing the fabric of his sleeve while she gives him a mischievous smile. 

 

They leave shortly after. And Patrick really tries not to look for Jonny as he leads Angie out of the bar, hand on the small of her back. He does it anyway. 

 

*** 

 

“So how are things going with Angie, Peeks?” Sharpy directs at him without looking up from the steak he’s cutting into. 

 

Patrick’s eyes flicker to Jonny, for just a second, before he says “things are fine.” 

 

Jonny looks up at that, studying Patrick curiously. It’s Sharpy who says “just fine? That doesn’t sound good.” 

 

Patrick shrugs. Things  _ are _ fine, is the thing. Patrick has just been in a shitty mood all day that started with Jonny yelling at him during practice, and now he’s extra annoyed at Jonny for showing up to dinner wearing this tight black button up which he looks unfairly good wearing. Patrick is just wearing a t-shirt, why does Jonny have to be so dressed up? It’s fucking annoying. 

 

“Fine doesn’t mean bad,” Patrick objects. 

 

“Fine doesn’t mean good, either,” Sharpy counters, pointing his fork in Patrick’s face. Patrick grans Sharpy’s arm and pushes it away, glowering in return. “Hey, now don’t get me wrong - I’m not surprised or anything. No way you could hold on to a girl that hot for this long.” 

 

Jonny looks between Sharpy and Patrick then rolls his eyes like he’s already bored with this conversation. Which in turn pisses Patrick off even more. 

 

“What’s your fuckin’ problem, man?” Patrick huffs at him, fed up. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him - everything Jonny does is pissing him off today. 

 

Jonny arches an eyebrow. “Whoa, chill out,” he snorts. “Don’t take your relationship problems out on me.” 

 

And Jonny is trying to piss him off - Patrick has known him long enough to get that. It doesn’t stop it from working though.

 

“Go fuck yourself,” he spits before pushing back his chair and storming out. 

 

He leaves the restaurant, but stops once he gets in the hotel corridor and leans against the wall, still fuming, but embarrassed too. He knows Jonny is going to come out to find him in a minute, so he stands there, waiting in shame. 

 

Sure enough, Jonny comes striding around the corner not even a minute later, eyes scanning. He stops and frowns when he spots Patrick, shaking his head. 

 

Patrick ducks his head. 

 

“Seriously, what’s up with you?” 

 

“Sorry, I just...” Patrick trails off with a shrug. He doesn’t understand it. How can he explain it? 

 

“Pat, if you’re having relationship problems... you can just talk to me, you know?” 

 

Patrick let’s out a long breath. “I’m not... everything is fine, it’s the same as it’s always been.” 

 

“You sure? Seems like something is up. If you don’t want to talk to me, you should at least talk to Angie...” 

 

“How can you be so okay with this?” Patrick demands, crossing his arms over his chest. 

 

“Okay with what?” 

 

“This! Me and Angie!” 

 

Jonny blinks for a second, and there’s this tiniest bit of expression, almost a wince but then it falls away and Jonny looks nothing but bored. “This again? Are you serious?”

 

“God, it’s like you don’t even care anymore!” Patrick explodes, tossing his hands up in the air with a huff. 

 

Jonny blinks in surprise, mouth hanging open in a small circle. “Are you...” Jonny starts, then shakes his head. “Are you upset because I’m not upset?” 

 

Patrick can’t fucking believe this guy.   “ _ Yes,  _ Jonny!” He screams.  “Yes I’m upset. Do I need to spell it out for you?  _ I’m. Up. Set  Jonny _ .” 

 

Jonny opens his mouth to respond but Patrick can’t even bear to hear it. He turns, ready to stomp away and go hide in a corner somewhere. Eventually, he’s going to be pretty embarrassed about all this. Right now he cant feel anything but heartache. 

 

“Wait,” Jonny calls after, arm reaching out to circle around Patrick’s wrist. He pulls him back with a solid tug, spinning him so he thumps against Jonny’s chest. 

 

Patrick keeps his eyes on his shoes. This whole thing is mortifying. 

 

“You want me to be upset?” Jonny asks softly. 

 

Patrick makes a noise to object. He doesn’t need Jonny treating him like a fragile little kid. 

 

“You want me to be upset? You want to hear how much it kills me, seeing you with someone? How mad it makes me to think about anyone else having you like that? You want to hear how I had to bite my tongue all night so I didn’t scream at her that you’re mine, you’ve only ever been mine?” 

 

Patrick swallows thickly. “Jonny-“

 

“She’s not good enough for you. She doesn’t deserve you. I hate her. I hate every time you smile at her. I hate the way you say her goddamn name. I fucking hate it. I don’t know what game you’re trying to play here, Patrick, but there you go. It fucking bothers me.” 

 

“It’s not a  _ game,”  _ Patrick insists. It’s  _ not.  _

 

_ “ _ You think I didn’t notice the way you would flirt with her then look at me to see if I saw you?” Jonny frowns back. “Seemed like a game to me.” 

 

Patrick’s having trouble coming up with a reply to say, what with the mind is reeling from everything Jonny just said.  _ You’ve only ever been mine _ . 

 

“So what now?” Jonny steamrolls on, crossing his arms over his chest like it’s a challenge. He’s back to trying to act like he’s completely unbothered, but Patrick knows.  _ I hate every time you smile at her.  _ “Now you know. It bothers me. What now?” 

 

Patrick swallows thickly. What now? He has no idea. 

 

Jonny huffs. “Guess you win.” He turns to leave, and Patrick watches him for approximately six seconds before his brain seems to snap into focus. 

 

“I wanted you to be jealous because I wanted you to care about me. Because I fucking care about you! More than I realized, I guess.” 

 

Jonny’s got his back to Patrick, but he stops walking away at least. His shoulders are tense. 

 

“Care how?” He asks slowly, his voice hesitant. 

 

“How do you think?” 

 

“What would you do if I kissed you?” Jonny asks, back still towards him. 

 

Patrick’s breath hitches. He doesn’t think before saying “I’d kiss you back,” because he doesn’t have too. 

 

Jonny is silent for a moment, unmoving. Is he going to kiss him? Patrick’s entire body tingles with the uncertainty of the moment. 

 

Jonny doesn’t turn towards him, though. He speaks in a low voice, almost a whisper. “Well then, you better break up with your girlfriend. And call me when you do.” And with that, Jonny walks away. 

 

***

 

Patrick should call Angie the second he gets home, but he doesn’t. He can’t break up with her over the phone, and it’s late. If he asks her over now the breakup would probably go late into the night and he’s got an early flight in the morning. 

 

The next morning, Jonny just looks at him, like he’s waiting for something. Patrick just kind of stares back - because he knows exactly what Jonny is waiting to hear and there’s nothing to tell him. Jonny doesn’t ask. 

 

He doesn’t sit with him on the plane, either, though. He  _ always  _ sits with Patrick. 

 

*** 

 

Jonny looks at him all through morning skate, team lunch, and while they’re watching game tape in their shared hotel room. He never asks and Patrick doesn’t say anything then either. He’s not sure why. 

 

It’s not until after the game, when they’re both lying in their own beds in the darkness, that Jonny finally says “you didn’t do it, did you?” 

 

Patrick sighs, squeezing his eyes shut. “Not yet, no.” 

 

“I’m such an  _ idiot _ ,” Jonny sighs, voice so quiet that Patrick can barely hear the way it trembles. 

 

Patrick should say something -  _ anything.  _ But he doesn’t know what to say except “Jonny...” 

 

Which only seems to make everything worse. Jonny gets out of bed, so quickly that the blankets fall to the floor around him. “What, breaking my heart one time wasn’t enough, hm? Had to get my hopes up? Fuck,” he growls. 

 

Patrick is still trying to process the words when Jonny slams the door shut behind him. He sits up in the bed, blinking around the darkness and thinks  _ what the fuck _ . 

 

When did he  _ ever _ break Jonny’s heart? That’s not the way it happened at all. 

 

Patrick doesn’t sleep well that night and it shows in the game the next day. Jonny must not have either. Patrick can’t be sure, because he never did come back to there room. 

 

Either way, they lose the game 4-1 and Jonny is clearly pissed off. 

 

He wouldn’t look at him at morning skate, at the team dinner or on the bench. They play sloppy, their passes not connecting, and Patrick’s reminded why they stopped this in the first place. 

 

_ “Hockey, Tazer,” he had said. “Hockey has got to come first.”  _

 

_ “I know that, Jesus!” Jonny had snapped back, eyes wide like it was ridiculous for Patrick to even suggest anything could ever come before hockey. Jonny looked back down at his feet, and Patrick knew what was going to happen - there was no sense in dragging it out.  _

 

_ “So we stop this, then,” Patrick said. It felt like the words were being pulled from him and he wanted to take them back the moment they fell into the tension-filled air around them.  _

 

_ Jonny’s head snapped up so quickly it was a shock he didn’t get whiplash. His eyes were wide, staring unblinking at Patrick. His jaw worked like he was going to say something but eventually he just shrugged and fell back against the wall, looking defeated. “Kay,” he nodded. “We stop then.”  _

 

And the next day at practice, it was as if it never happened. As if  _ they  _ never happened. Their six months erased, reverted back to friendship just like that. 

 

Maybe Patrick never let himself hurt over it - just told himself it was for the best.  _ It’s easier with girls _ , he had convinced himself. 

 

And he thought it was the same for Jonny - but maybe Patrick had broken his heart, without meaning too. Without even realizing. 

 

After the game that night, Patrick knows what he has to do. He calls Angie from the airport - it’s clearly a surprise. It’s past midnight in Chicago. No one deserves to be broken up with that way, and Patrick feels as bad as he can. No one should be dumped over the phone in a five-minute conversation. 

 

But he doesn’t feel that bad, not really, because at the end of the day, when it comes down to Angie versus Jonny....  _ anyone  _ versus Jonny... well, it’s an easy choice for Patrick. 

 

So he doesn’t give that much thought to how Angie’s feeling, because he’s too worried about Jonny who’s standing across the room from him, shoulders hunched and face drawn tight. He’s the reason Jonny looks so miserable, so small. And now he knows that he’s made Jonny feel that way before, that he broke the one heart that meant more than anything to him. 

 

Jonny gets on the airplane before Patrick. Patrick waits for the guys in front of him to load on their carry ons, praying and hoping nobody takes the open seat next to Jonny, the seat that is always rightfully his. 

 

Someone up there must be looking out for him, because when he finally reaches Jonny, the aisle seat next to his is bare and waiting. Jonny is giving off clear vibes that he doesn’t want Patrick to sit there - eyes narrowed into his hardest glare, mouth set tight. Patrick ignores it easily, he’s built up immunity over the years, and slides in next to him. 

 

“Hey,” he tries.

 

Jonny turns to face out the window. 

 

Patrick sighs. “I’m sorry.” 

 

Nothing. 

 

He doesn’t really want to tell Jonny about the break up right now, because the timing doesn’t feel right - which is ironic, he supposes. But he also doesn’t want to sit next to Jonny for the next three hours, being ignored and knowing he was hurting. 

 

So he leans closer and whispers: “I did it.” 

 

Jonny turns slowly, eyes wary as he eyes Patrick. He swallows so hard it’s audible in the small space between them. “You did?” 

 

Patrick nods. “Called her before we boarded.” 

 

Jonny’s eyes flicker down to Patrick’s lips, then his front teeth sink down into his own. And Patrick knows what he’s thinking - Jonny promised to kiss him once he had done it. Jonny’s eyes flicker around them quickly then he lets out a sigh. 

 

“Soon,” Patrick tells him. 

 

Jonny smiles back, all soft and sweet. “Soon,” he echoes. 

 

Patrick returns a toothy grin at Jonny. He wants him to know how much all this means to him. He never wants Jonny to think his feelings are a game. 

 

So he says, slow and easy, “what would you do if I held your hand?” Just like Jonny had asked to kiss him a few days ago. Actions always spoke louder than words. 

 

Jonny ducks his head, biting down on his smile like he understood. “I’d hold it back,” he says, mimicking Patrick’s answer. 

 

After looking around and double checking that no one is paying attention to them, Patrick arranges his blanket over the armrest and grabs Jonny’s hand underneath it. 

 

Jonny looks startled at first, but then Patrick could feel when he relaxed next to him, sinking deeper into the airplane chair. 

 

This wasn’t something they did before. Holding hands like preteens. 

 

But Patrick didn’t want this to be like before, and he had a feeling neither did Jonny. 

 

They didn’t do it right last time, but Patrick wanted to now. He wanted this to be real. 

 

There was so much he wanted to say, so many feelings to express, but he there would be lots of time for that - for now, he just beamed at Jonny and squeezed his hand tighter as Jonny smiled back. 

 


End file.
